Tuesday, 10 October 2017

Falling Out Of Love With Life

If you follow me on Twitter you may be aware that just over two months ago, I unexpectedly lost my job.  I'm not going to go into detail of what happened as it isn't professional for any future employment opportunities, and to be honest, I re-live the moment/feelings daily at the moment and I feel writing it down will make me feel even worse than I already do. 

Although I don't want this post to be extremely negative. I feel as though I need some sort of closure  as what has happened has seriously effected my mental health. I want to be able to look back at this post when I'm struggling and know that if I can get through what has been possibly the darkest two months of my life, I can get through anything. Once addressing how I feel, I want to focus on good things and how I'm going to get myself back on the road to happiness. 


The Dark Months Behind Me

Although whilst reading this, if you're not a close friend or relative of mine you will have no idea what happened, and it may be difficult for you to fully get an understanding of why I feel the way I do. But honestly, if you knew what happened, you would completely understand. In one hour, I had all of my confidence, self worth and previous achievements that I once felt proud of, stripped from me. 

The past two have been spent endlessly applying for jobs, attending a total of nine jobs interviews and receiving endless rejections despite being told I am fantastic and anyone would be lucky to have me as an employee. Spending 75% of my time alone, loosing interest in my passion, and quite frankly giving up all hope on ever feeling happy again. 

I have felt alone, empty, worthless and spending everyday feeling as though I had no purpose. Battling with anxiety and depression is extremely difficult, even on a good day. However, when you're forced into a position, that leaves your stress levels higher than you could ever imagine, and your confidence sat deep in the gutter with Pennywise, nice in season, nearly Halloween reference, it is pretty difficult to see an end to the darkness and how you will ever recover from what happened. 

My situation has now done a complete 360, after working my ass off, I have managed to get a job. I'm beyond happy this has happened, and despite being extremely nervous, I cannot wait to learn new things, interact with people and just feel like I have a purpose on this earth again. Despite this, I can't help but continue to repeat words that were said to me over and over, and continue to chip away at my confidence. I feel like it is going to take me a long time to be able to fully process what has happened and finally feel 100% confident with myself again. 

 

Focusing On Moving Forward

As previously mentioned, this post isn't going to be just about the negatives. Although I have really struggled the past two months, there are certain things that have really been brought to light and made me realise how incredibly lucky I am. 

The support system I have around me is quite frankly, more incredible that I could ever dream. Despite the fact there are many, many moments in which I have felt utterly alone. The support I have received has been absolutely incredible. Whether that is a DM to ask if i'm okay or give me advice, constantly being tagged in job opportunities, having a shoulder to cry on, or being made a piping hot cup of tea. My friends have been absolutely amazing and I wouldn't have got through this without their support. 

Now I have to give a special thank you to three certain people. 

My parents - Now I know parents are there to support you, and if you have read my A Note To posts (#1 #2), you will know how much my parents mean to me. I can't even begin to explain how lucky I am to have such supportive parents, and if it wasn't for their support, I don't think i'd be in the position I am right now. There have kept me going the past two months, with thoughtful texts or phone calls, long hugs and generally being amazing. I love you, and thank you. One day, I promise I will repay you for everything you've done. 

James - Now without gushing too much, or being so cringe worthy I make you want to vom. Without James, I truly don't think I would be here right now. Being in a relationship with someone who has crippling anxiety, is extremely difficult, in the past it has completely destroyed my relationships. However, it has made mine and James' relationship in my eyes, a thousand times stronger. James has seen me at my darkest times, and not once let me down  From calling me daily to make sure I'm okay, to knowing my thought process better than I know it myself. There has not been one minute where James hasn't been by my side, attempting to pick me up, wiping my tears or making me my favourite comfort food. From the bottom of my heart James, you have no idea what you mean to me, and how truly thankful I am that I have you in my life to keep me going. I love you. 

In the upcoming months, which may I add is my favourite time of year, I want to fill my time with my moments that will make me fall in love with life again, whether that is eating my favourite food, spending time with my nearest and dearest or simply admiring this absolutely beautiful world we live in. I am going to work extremely hard at my new job, to not only prove to my new peers but to prove to myself that I have fantastic ability and to be able to build my confidence back up from nothing. And finally, to smother myself in self love and to nourish myself back to good mental health. 


I know this post is extremely long, in no way am I looking for sympathy, but I want to show people that even in the darkest of times, things do get better despite feeling as though they never will. And talking about how you feel, no matter how difficult it is always the best thing to do.

Top - Asos
Skirt - Missguided (Similar here)
Shoes - Vans
Jacket - Primark (Similar here)
Patches - Various Etsy Sites
Bag - Matalan (Similar here)
Watch - Cluse
Necklace - Primark (Similar here)

7 comments:

  1. So happy you have found a new job and you are starting to get closure on the last few months! Onwards and upwards, always here if you need me! P.s. Nice photos haha

    Abi xo | www.wanderlustdaydreaming.co.uk

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  2. It has been a long few month's, but you have hung in there and not given up. You get up in the morning and tried to keep life as normal as possible. Yes you did call on the bank of mum and dad but this was not until after you had been trying everything else to keep afloat and thank god you did not get a payday loan instead. I have said before and I will say it again, life is not a straight road as there is many a twist & turn, you just have to make it as smooth as possible. I hope today was a good day for you along this new road.
    Dad
    xx

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  3. So glad you've found a job and that things are looking up �� I've been there myself - just after UNI I really struggled to find employment - and it really is utterly soul destroying.

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  4. Congratulations on your new job and brilliant news that things are looking up! Lovely photos too, you are gorgeous!

    Tabitha x http://www.whattabithaloves.co.uk/

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  5. I'm so happy you have found a new job and are working hard towards your goals. Good for you for not giving up. I have been in this exact same position, really feeling worthless after not being able to find any work. Now, months later, I've found a great job and although I don't always feel confident in it, I'm constantly learning and growing.

    I hope you feel better soon and are able to feel good about the past. Oprah was fired from her first job in the media- and look where she is today! Sometimes, I think we need to experience this kind of rejection and keep going. You pushing through it is what really speaks about your character :) Wishing you all the best xx

    Sending light & love your way,

    My Lovelier Days

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  6. Hi Abi, this is my first visit to your blog and I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been going through such a rough time. It’s good to know the worst is behind you and congratulations on the new job! Emma, www.fluffandfripperies.com

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  7. I'm glad that you found the courage to discuss what seems like a difficult time as it is not easy but for your own wellness I'm glad that you remained reflective and continue being positive.

    nora shares.co.uk

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